Fleeing from abusive relation is not easy, it becomes more difficult if the abuser is female and victim is male. Nobody believes that a male partner / husband / boyfriend can be abused. There is no help mechanism for abused male. While there are numerous help centers & shelters for women.
From my personal experience meeting male victims abused by women I have realized maleís face dual threats, physical as well as legal. Legal threats have been growing exponentially as they help criminal minded women to easily make the man a free ATM. Women file various fake & frivolous cases on the man to harass him. The agencies meant to protect victims, like police, judiciary etc consider only women as victim. Due to lopsided laws they do not take seriously, complaints of male abused by women. In many laws crime by women and crime against men do not exist (E.g. In India rape on man by woman is nonexistent as per law). A man has only himself, to help plus protect himself and his children.
†So once a man notices the red flags, he has to be alert about his own and his childrenís safety and take following precautions for his safety as per his situation.
1)† Never share details of your assets (owned or inheritable) immediately after marriage or starting a live-in with her. Wait for few years till you find that the lady you married is trustworthy. (This may not always work, as I have seen maleís getting trapped even after few decades of marriage.)
2)†† Since most of the time, abusive wife eyes money and assets of the male partner, it is advisable to follow a scorched earth policy to decrease her incentives in pursuing her plan. Transfer your property to your parents name or liquidate them. If you are living in your own property, move in rented accommodation. As if the lady files fake case to get your home and court orders in her favor. You can be kicked out of your own home. If you stay in rented home, than such risk gets minimized, as when the court orders her to occupy the property you are living in. You stay safe as you only lose on the monthly rent that you will have to continue to pay for her stay and not loose entire value of your house to the cheat. Keep your family valuables like paintings, antiques etc in other location. If not moved your valuables already, than start it slowly without raising suspicion in her mind.
3)†† Arrange to keep important documents safe. Eg. Create scan or photocopy of property documents, share certificates, asset purchase. Store the original documents in safe place out of house where it cannot be accessed by the abusive wife
4)†† Keep bank statements out of her reach. If possible open a new account that she is not aware of and transfer some funds in it for use during emergency.
5)†† Keep a track of the expenses you do on your wife. Especially that can be legally proved. Example you can prove the expenses you did on holidays with her if you do it through bank. You will not be able to prove expenses that you did on her in cash or donít have receipts of. (Such proof will be useful if she claims that you did not take good care of her needs or worse still, she claims you kept her like a slave and made to starve)
6)†† Keep some cash ready for urgency. Also have some change to pay for public phone in difficult time when you are trying to escape
7)†† If you have a joint account where you salary and other earnings get credited, issue change instruction to deposit it to some account that is only operated by you.
8)†† Maintain a daily record of your activities and keep it hidden from her. Such records become very useful to prove your alibi when trapped in fake cases. The fraud ladies generally pick random dates to make accusations. If you have a record of the activities you did on that date, like being on training program or client visit out of town, her lies can be immediately nailed. Such evidence when presented to judiciary can free you out of trap. Also note, leaving a legally strong trail of your presence is very helpful. E.g if you have gone to town x and you make a purchase there at using your credit card. It creates a legal record in bank data of you being there at that time. This record can easily be retrieved later in court.
Plus keep records of incidents with her in detail of what happened when. This can be used to expose her lies.
9)†† Keep your passwords safe and change them if you had disclosed them to her.
10)†† Try to stay in separate accommodation away from parents and siblings. This may prevent her from naming then in the fake charges she files. Also staying away helps avoid the group arrest. These women love to get entire family in jail so you donít, t have person outside to help you. Staying away from your family also decreases the chances of fake rape on the other members of the family
11)†† Try to get audio/ video recordings of instances where your wife is abusing you (it may not be legal to record at your location, so please check that before doing it)
12)†† If she abuses you on the phone, record the phone conversation (it may not be legal to record at your location, so please check that before doing it)
13)†† Inform the nearest police station about your threat perception, if they try to avoid your complaint, send it through mail or email. If possible get a protection order for you.
14)†† Whatever proof you are able to gather about your victimization, should be kept in safe place out of reach of your abusive wife? Also make multiple copies of the proof and store them in separate location. Do keep the originals unedited to have better acceptance in the court otherwise they may get rejected as morphed copies.
15)†† During her abusive outbursts try to leave the place as soon as possible. This will help you in two ways. One is you don't have to bear the full outburst risking more danger and second you also avoid retaliating that maybe used by her to show you at fault. (Many times abusive women purposely instigate to get strong response from husband which they record and present as a proof to show that the husband is violent)
16)†† Always keep your vehicle fuel full and your vehicle spare keys handy and outside your home at friends place, office or anyplace which is easier to reach but not accessible by your abusive wife. Just in case you want to escape from her attack in hurry, you will find this arrangement useful.
17)†† Identify a location you will go to in urgency. It could be your parentís home or friends place. Keep few set of clothes and other necessities handy. Just in case you leave home for few days in hurry. Alternatively check for male shelter home if any available nearby your locality.
18)†† Same way you may identify safe place in your home where you can take temporary shelter in case of violent attack by your wife. It can be your bedroom or guest room etc where you can lock yourself and call for help.
19)†† Create a separate email account to keep records safe. Access this account from computers not used by your abusive wife.
20)†† Memorize contact numbers of important people, those you can contact for help.
21)†† Hire a lawyer to be available in case any fake cases are filed on you to harass you. One caution is to never fully depend on your lawyer as they are more interested in fees than the client. Some of them may find it profitable to misguide you and make money from the other party too by making your case weak.
22)†† Get knowledge of basic legal provisions that apply to you, as knowing your rights and also the rights of your abuser & others will help you from getting further harassed and abused. Plus it will help you know if your lawyer is misguiding you or is not handling your case well. Best source to get this tye of information are self help male group fighting anti male laws.
23)†† Buy a new sim card and mobile phone for emergency, do not disclose it to others and keep it out of reach of your abusive wife. If possible buy the phone those are meant to be used in emergency and have very long battery life.
24)†† You can take a post office box or use some other location for communication, so if you leave your place at least you keep getting your mails.
25)†† If your wife has moved out but comes sometimes to abuse you, you can change the locks of your home. In such case you should also avoid staying alone. Have a video door phone installed.
26)†† Change your routine and route frequently
27)†† If she calls you for meeting don't go alone and meet only in public place where cameras are present. Just in case she attacks you.
28)†† If you have gun in home, remove the bullets and hide them out of her reach. You can never predict her action in a heated moment. Plus it will be very easy for her to get away even after harming you under the guise of self defense. Remember Lorena Bobbit and Rajini Narayan like cases.
29)†† If you have slightest doubt that she can file fake cases on you, intimate the nearby Police station and their higher ups. Inform them in writing that you fear fake cases and need protection. Keep an acknowledged record of this communication.
30)†† Never try to hide the abusive behavior of your wife. Most male in such relation are afraid to come forward and share their pain. The woman uses this and continues their abuse unnoticed. Better to inform others about your hardships. You may start it slowly, divulging one fact at a time to your near ones and colleagues. But do it for sure. You may find that that are others too facing similar situation. Plus it will help you gain faith of others if your wife files fake cases on you accusing you of being abusive. The company may not terminate you believing the lies of the fake lady.
31)†† She can also start to spread false information to disrepute you socially. You spend minimum energy to expose her lie. But try to gather evidence of her malicious attempts and file for defamation and perjury at the right time, to show that she has come to the fountain of justice with unclean hands
32)†† If your children stay with you, get custody orders. As you may be accused of kidnapping them
33)†† If you have not yet escaped your abusive wife and your childrenís are with you, be open to your children. Try to prevent them getting influenced by the wrong beliefs that your 2ifemay be trying to feed them about you.
34)†† If your children are in custody of your wife than she may try to brainwash them. You can at least try to give them your side of facts. To prevent her from distancing you from your children† many times women use verbal abuse as their weapon of choice, it does not leave injury mark but is as potent as physical abuse. They insult the man and his entire family in private and public too. They rarely lose opportunity to make you feel worthless. This breaks the confidence of man; he loses interest in career and social life.
35)†† If you are staying separate from your wife but have custody of your child. Your wife may be allowed visits. Do keep such meeting points at public place and try to have the child in your view all the time, in case she tries to harm the child or you. Some courts also allow parental visit in court premises try to use that option if available.
36)†† Lastly try to end all communication with the abusive woman as soon as possible, if she contacts you keep the communication very short and to the point. Same will be applicable if you need to contact her for some unavoidable reason
Precaution should be exercised in all your dealings with woman before she becomes your wife.
1)†† Before deciding to marry do carry out through background check about the lady.
2)†† See if her family is litigious, or any of her family members is lawyer (Family with such background may prove a stumbling block for you)
3)†† Try to ascertain is the girl is highly materialistic and possessive.
4)†† Avoid marrying in family whose financial status is much lower than yours. Most of the cases where the gap is high it is found that the woman married for money. Hence she filing fake case on husband to get high alimony becomes inevitable.
For more such advice tips on marriage you can read my blog on marriage risks http://lifenstory.com/in_india_marry_at_own_risk/
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How to escape abusive wife
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